Have you just recently ended a long term relationship? If so, you probably have Ex-Partner Disease. Don’t be alarmed, it’s not as bad as it sounds. While this term may have far worse implications, if you have been reading my blogs I’m sure you have learned that CLARITY is key here. So here’s what I mean by Ex-Partner Disease. Please, fill in Ex-Partner with the name or YOUR Ex-Partner and it will make this exercise much more meaningful!
Every time I have been in a long term relationship that has ended, and that’s A LOT, I notice that there are lingering states of mind (feelings), some negative and some positive, which create responses in me, that keep those states of mind (feelings) alive and fed. It is as if we do a behavior out of habit, imagine that! If these states of mind are positive and affect your life in a way that is to your benefit, I call it growth. If they are negative, they create disease. I dont mean disease in the medical sense, (although that may actually be the case), but rather in the ACTUAL sense, which is dis-ease = the state of NOT being at ease or “dis”-associated with ease. This is what I now I lovingly refer to as Ex-Partner Disease!
What is really happening here is that these are the after-effects of the Emotional DNA we create while in our relationships. This is the emotional and meta-emotional “state” we now incorporate in our lives and bring into our next relationship, sometimes unknowingly. There is nothing “wrong” with this, but the fact is that it re-shapes our core beliefs, giving us permission for new behaviors in order to retain familiar feelings. Sometimes, we LIKE the feelings we had, so its natural to want to repeat them in our new relationships, often without even being aware of it, and sometimes we DON’T LIKE the feelings we had but we want to repeat them anyway! Have any of you who are in a new relationship ever thought, “Hmm, I really liked the way _______(fill in your own ex-partner name) used to do that”. That is a sign or SYMPTOM (haha) of having Ex-Partner Disease!
Take a minute right now and imagine a few things that you learned and that you do differently now as a result of a relationship you have been in. In this case it doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship either because it still applies to any relationship. If you are being honest with yourself, I bet you can find some growth things and some disease things. Once you are able to identify both types of behaviors, you will begin to realize that the beliefs you have create your responses to life and life’s experiences, and HOW you remember your experiences generates your responses NEXT time.
Eventually it seems that Ex-Partner Disease fades away and we return to our “normal selves, right? WRONG! Once we are with someone and adapt our behaviors according to theirs, we have created a new strand of Emotional DNA – or a new rung in our relationship helix. You can change your emotional DNA, but ONLY through new experiences that layer over old ones. Depending on how deeply linked the experiences are with you beliefs, it may take more or less new experiences to alter your Emotional DNA. You can read more about this in my upcoming book which will be out later this year.
Love, Gratitude and a Happy New Year to you all!
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